i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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