I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
