I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
All the doctor said was why
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
