It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
