im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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