apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
did i walk over a car last night?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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