Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
