wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
