i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
