i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
