My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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