if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
