wrigley field is MILF paradise
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
