After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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