Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
