her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
