you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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