is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
