well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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