idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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