U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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