someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
