did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
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He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
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Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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