we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
