did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
