I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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