i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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