You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
