Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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