My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
