Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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