I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
