My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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