I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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