I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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