I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
