Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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