i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
