Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
