So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
