I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
