hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
