I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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