Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
