My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
