Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
