u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
