We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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