I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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