Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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