it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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