Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
40s are totally the cure
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
