Who did Billy Mays play for?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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