Your mouth is God's brothel.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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