dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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