I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
