I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
