I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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