I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
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The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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